Dori Szabo: Fly To Paris Fashion AT FORTY FIVE Magazine Issue 2021 16

DISRUPT LIFE WE ARE

DISRUPT LIFE WE ARE MEANT to stand out, not fit in by Sue Dumais Do you stand out or stand in? Have you ever tried to fit inside a box that was too small, contorting your limbs and squishing all your body parts just to fit in? I am sure you have seen a few entertaining videos of cats squishing themselves into small boxes or paper bags. Perhaps you made forts out of blankets and boxes when you were a child so you could tuck yourself in and hide away in your own little world. The important question to ask yourself is, “Am I still trying to fit inside the box, play small, and hide my true self from the rest of the world?” I remember as a child building forts using furniture, pillows, and blankets. I would add my favorite stuffed animals and other comforting trinkets and I would crawl inside my own little world and feel safe for a while. While my home was safe, the rest of the world felt big, intimidating, and painful to me. As an empath and a healer, I could physically and 26

emotionally sense and feel all the pain of others in my own body like constant thorns. I came to the conclusion that it was hard and painful to be me. I tried to fit in and pretend to be someone other than who I was for a long time but in the end, it led me on a path of more pain and suffering. Denying my unique gift as a healer was dishonoring to who I am at the core of my being. Trying to be like others instead of giving myself permission to be me create a feeling of claustrophobia that was strangling my creativity and keeping me playing small. I didn’t want to stand out or make anyone feel inferior. I didn’t want to outshine others, because I didn’t want them to feel bad; yet at the same time, I was trying to prove my worthiness and follow my dream to save the world. Growing up I wanted to save others more than I wanted to save myself. It was a constant internal tug-of-war that used up so much of my energy it